Friends, disciples, worshippers, my name is Rob Lourens, and I would like to talk to you about my dream for Starbuck. Sbuck North, Sbuck South, I promise you A New Kind of Politics. I will reach past the elevators and work for idealistic bipartisan solutions that sound good on paper to the problems that every Sbucker faces, be they engineer or design student, North or South, corner room bourgeois or common suite-dwelling proletary.
Friends, let us not mince words; Rob Lourens' secretarial administration has been an unmitigated disaster. That's why I am running. Young and handsome, I will provide breath of fresh air from stodgy old Rob Lourens, an unhip SbucSec'y if ever one there was. The sad truth is that most of today's youth, namely freshman, have not even experienced life under a secretary other than Rob Lourens. This incumbent has overstayed his welcome.
I know that many Sbuckers are frustrated with their poor grades, lack of liquid capital and the difficulty of finding sweet internships. It's not suprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to Guitar Hero, alcohol, Facebook, or YouTube as a way to explain their frustrations. I can fix that. I can fix everything.
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I agree, and I must say I am tired of the negative campaign Rob Lourens has been running. This race should be about the issues, not past indiscretions of cross-dressing. The MSM must refocus the attention of this race away from insubstantial sound bites and onto the real issues. Which candidate is the best fit for Sbucks values? Would Rob Lourens' lack of experience affect his job performance, or would the inspirational message of hope and change coming from candidate Rob Lourens be a better fit for the position of secretary? These are the questions that must be answered.
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